Stereotactic Breast Biopsy

In early October I had my yearly mammogram and it showed a 10 mm mass in my left breast.  I had the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound in early November.  Then November 14 I had what can only be described as a hard core invasion of my body.

Leading up to the procedure, I had been trying to manage my anxiety. I really did not tell many people about the procedure, there have been numerous "scares" in my midst this year and I dont want to continually burden those around me with all of this.  By the time Wednesday morning rolled around, I was just ready to forge ahead, facing my fears.  It's hard to express how I felt. So, I'll just move on and tell you how it went without moving my left arm too much because I'm pretty sore.

I was unable to stop the tears.  I started tearing up when my husband turned off the car in the parking lot.  While I felt absolutely ridiculous - I also knew that the tears were OK and I needed to allow myself to feel and emote.

When I was called back to the procedure room, the woman who was assisting the radiologist asked me a few questions, set up the room, took my vitals, and had me sign a few forms. Then, in walks the same radiologist who read my mammogram/ultrasound results.  I was very comforted by the fact that it would be someone who already knew my history, had seen all my films, and had explained the procedure to me in the first place.  On the plus side, Dr. Glenn is very comforting, almost maternal.

When it was time, I climbed up onto the table with the hole on it. The table isn't completely horizontal; it dips about an inch or so where the hole is.  That hole was pretty uncomfortable for a hole.  I was told that they were then going to take some images of my breast and that I'd have to get into a position that would help get the best images. I had to turn my head to the right and keep my left arm at my side. In that position, I faced a wall for the entire procedure. Mainly I just kept my eyes shut and tried not to move. I've never wanted to take a deep breath more than I did during the biopsy.

Meanwhile, under the table, my breast was being smushed between what seemed to be a vertical steel plate and a much smaller and thinner steel plate that looked like a window about 2 inches square. The goal was to get the mass that is against my chest wall on the very underside of my breast within that window so that the computer taking the images (essentially mammograms) could exactly position the needle for Dr. Glenn to take the samples. This positioning involved compression, but it wasn't nearly as bad as any I'd experienced in mammograms. However, it was a bit unsettling to have a stranger moving my boob around through a hole in a table.

When all the images had been taken and everything was ready to go my anxiety level spiked again. But she warned me about exactly what would happen, "You're going to feel a pinch and then a burn when I give you the numbing agent (lidocaine)."  It didn't hurt/burn anywhere nearly as much as I'd expected.

After the Dr considered me numbed up, they began the biopsy. The Dr. told me at the beginning that I should only feel pressure after the numbing agent takes effect.  When she made the cut to insert the needle, BOY I FELT THAT!  Dr. Glenn was very kind and stopped and added more lidocaine.  I was remaining very still, but had tears, copious amount of tears.  Again, I have to stress how very kind Dr. Glenn was.  Now, I'm not sure exactly what happened because I couldn't see under the table, but the Dr was very descriptive.  She moved forward with the procedure - and GOOD GOOGLIE MOOGLIE.  When she "extended" the needle....it was a pain like none other.  I managed to stay still and the Dr was very sorry.  She said that based on the fact that the lidocaine did not numb well, we might be dealing with a lymph node and that means the biopsy has to go two different places for results.  Apparently the nerve endings were so attached, that there was no way to not hurt me.  I have never been happier than when the Dr said "we are done now, needle is out"  She rubbed my back and apologized for the pain and said that "we" may be looking forward to a lumpectomy.  Good Grief.

I had another "light" mammogram to make sure I was not bleeding and was sent home.  I cannot hide the fact that I sobbed all the way home.  I was hurt, hurting, and scared.  Thank the Gods, my husband was there to drive me and make sure I was ok.  Once I got home I put on my favorite PJs and a sturdy bra that would hold an ice pack and laid down.

I am glad I don't take all my pain meds, so I have a "supply".  Seems that the medical community does not want to give people pain meds when they have been invaded.  I came home, took a percocet and a xanax.  Once that percocet wore off my boob was BURNING and I mean BURNING.  I was miserable.  So I took another percocet and tylenol PM.  I slept propped up with my legs on my wedge pillow so I would not move.  Thursday morning I woke up with extreme soreness.  Gravity was NOT my friend - when I would sit all the way up or stand - my boob would hurt.

I finally took the band aid off and was surprised at the incision - its bigger than I thought. I spent all day Thursday in bed - propped up.  I did not take anything stronger than tylenol until 3pm.  By that time I had passed "sore" and was on my way to "PAIN".  Ate some dinner and took my normal tylenol PM at 10. 

Now it is Friday and I am trying to be back to work.  The soreness is still there, but it is slowly easing up (or I am getting used to it).  I am not looking forward to the shower I have to take today.  The soreness is just a reminder that I am expecting the Dr to call today with preliminary results and frankly I am terrified.  I want the call to come, but I also am scared of the call.  What a weird situation.

Oh Shit Part Deux

Really?  Just Really?

I had the super mammogram and ultrasound on Monday (11/5/12).  There is a 10mm mass in my left breast.  The Dr. graded it a BI-RADS 3 - meaning it could be bad or it could not be bad.  The only way to know for sure is a biopsy, which I am having 11/14/12. 

I AM FREAKING OUT.  Honestly I am a lot more worried about the biopsy than the results.  Whatever the results are I will be able to deal with.  Having a needle inserted into my breast and tissue removed...well that is freaking me out.

Thank the gods for Xanax.  My Gyno is nice enough to call me in a script to get through the next 7 days.  Since I have not slept more than 4 hours at a time since Monday.......it may be a good thing.

My job is really busy right now....lots and lots of busy work.  That is a good thing.

I have MY FIRST ritual 11/12.  It is a new moon ritual and my teacher says I am capable and ready.  So I am taking her word for it and going for it.  But, as usual, I am second guessing myself and over thinking it waaay to much.  Thankfully, my teacher is an amazing woman - cause I get to go to her tonight and get help writing this ritual. 

I know I am "all over the place" right now.....but I am freaked out.

Oh Shit

I am nervous today.  I am trying to keep it quiet - so I will post it here.  I had a mammogram 10/15 and on 11/1 I got a letter that said "Your screening mammogram shows the need for further evaluation.  We would like you to have a left breast magnification images."  Oh Shit.  I went through my papers to find the mammogram results from last year....they were PERFECT.  Oh Shit.  I had to call the gyno office to get the new test scheduled, this was a Friday.  Today is Monday and I have to be a Baptist Women's Health Center at 2pm.  Oh Shit.

My brain is, and has been, spinning.  Every worst case scenario has been played out in my head.  I cut 11.5 inches of hair Friday for Locks of Love.  I was planning on waiting until January to donate the hair, but thinking about what I am facing - it seemed like a good time to 'pay it forward'.  I am stunned. 

My brain is going through everything.  My gastroenterologist told me last week that there were 'markers" in blood that point to an auto immune issue.  I chose to wait until Feb to re-do the blood tests rather than get a liver biopsy now.  What if those results are a precursor to the news I am getting today?  Oh Shit.

What if I do have cancer?  That will change everything.  My husband is the sick one...not me.  How will he handle it?  How will my job be affected?  So many feelings, fears, and internal struggles.

Just...Oh Shit. 

News...Good News....

This posting is a little late.....but awesome.  Husband does not have a recurrence of his Lymphoma.  The biopsy came back clean.  CLEAN. 

Perfect, beautiful news.

A Little About Greenman

I find myself thinking about the Greenman a great deal lately.  I have always found a kinship with the various depictions I have collected over the years.  I always seem to find them - or do they find me?  Either way, I feel compelled to document all of my knowledge - some intuitive, some found on the internet.  

I find myself surrounded by the Greenman and since the Greenman is the masculine form of the God...I begin thinking about all the men in my life.  While I do not necessarily see many of these aspects in the important men in my life, I do find his  legend, lore, statues, art, carvings...any depictions comforting.  When I use the term "Lord" in ritual prayers - I always picture him.

The Green Man and The Green Woman by Terri Windling.

I plan to do a proper greeting and invitation to Him soon - since we are approaching the Autumn Equinox (Mabon) and that is when Greenman surrenders himself for the winter - I think a proper greeting and a show of appreciation would be in order.  When I think about what offerings to provide - I get the feeling that homemade hearty bread, some stout beer, and a healthy portion of pumpkin butter would be in order.  

Whatever I offer him - I truly feel like I am being 'pinged' by him.  I know there are no accidents in the universe.  There is a reason and I need to figure it out.

Here are the facts;

• The Greenman is a legendary pagan God who roams the woodlands. 
• He usually is depicted as a horned man peering out of a mask of foliage, usually the sacred oak. 
• He represents the spirit of vegetation which returns to the Earth in Spring and flourishes in Summer.  
• He is present wherever crops are grown and harvested. He is there when animals mate and give birth. 
• He is there when the seasons change and the Sun shines. 
• We worship the spirit of the Green Man in which we recognize the mystic energy of nature and vegetation.
• The Green Man is also known by other names such as "Green Jack, "Jack-in-the-Green" and even "Robin Hood".  
• In Spring Pagan Rites he may be called Green George, and is represented by a young man dressed head to foot in greenery, who leads the festival procession.
• Since the color green is a faerie color, I believe that they share an affinity with the Green Man.  
• In the British Isles faeries are called "Greenies" and "Greencoats", and some are believed to have green skin.
• During the Middle Ages, stone masons carved the Green Man's likeness into the walls and arches of the finest cathedrals; there are thousands of Green Man heads carved across Europe.
• The Green Man's wisdom is that of the eternal truths, cycles, and passages. 
• He embodies the cycle of birth, growth, death and rebirth, and teaches us the sacred truths of nature.  
• He is a magickal bridge between nature and ourselves for he is both vegetable and animal at once.  
• From him we learn the mysteries of all growing things, and he is present in all things green and growing. 
• His energy fills the trees that make the oxygen we breathe.  
• At harvest, he surrenders himself for the good of the tribe, to sustain them trough the long cold winter.  
• In the spring, his seed is planted in the warm moist earth and the Green Man is reborn.  

Green Man Correspondences

• Colors - Green for growth and vegetation.  White or Light Blue to represent Air.  Yellow for the light of the Sun
• Symbols - Growing plant, a branch, fruit,  a small bowl of earth, leaves, berries and acorns or nuts 
• Herbs - Oak leaves, grains 
• Incense - Patchouli 
• Essential Oils -  Vetivert, Cinnamon, Sweet Birch, Oak Moss

 A Green Man Invocation
I call to you now, spirit of nature, strong and free
Come and teach me, I am ready to honor you
I celebrate your gifts; I am ready to learn your truths,
As my ancestors did before me,
I see your power and your pain, beneath the green mantle
Of the scars on your body and the great sadness in your eyes.
You are no longer abandoned, we hear you again;
We are ready, to honor your ways.
Reveal yourself, Green Man,
Weave your spells of green magic.
Teach me and I will listen for your voice; 

I will celebrate your sacred wisdom ways.

 

Waiting without Patience

In 2007 my husband found one of his lymph nodes swollen and painful.  The general practitioner sent him to a surgeon for removal.  The lymph node was removed - then we had to wait on the test results.  We knew the call from the Dr was coming so we escaped to Hardy, AR to a bed & breakfast.  The first night, while walking and looking at Spring River the call came.  My husband had cancer.  CANCER.  We were referred to an Oncologist.  More waiting.

 

2008 was a rough year - It was 2008 by the time we met with the oncologist (Dr. Tauer).  The doctor ordered tests - CT Scan, PET Scan, bone marrow biopsy.  These tests showed no other cancer in his body.  Weird - but most excellent news.  We were cautiously optimistic.  My dad passed away in July 2008.  Refer to previous post for that difficult story.

2009 - In March of 2009, I had a surgery that would be a much bigger deal than anyone expected.  The short story is that I had my gallbladder removed and ended up on a ventilator for many days.  I spent 23 days in the hospital and another 90 days after that for recovery.  Big flipping deal.  During my recovery, Scott's mom and aunt decided to move from Alabama back to Tennessee.  They were moving to Nashville - only 3 hours away from us.  We knew that his aunt's health was declining, but had no idea how much.  The day the movers showed up (June) - his aunt fell and broke her hip.  As the paramedics were loading up the aunt, his mom was calling us in a big ass panic.  So, we drove to meet her half way, handled the move, and maintained contact with the hospital that his aunt was in.  Finally, after a month or so, the aunt made it to Nashville.  Unfortunately the aunt really never recovered - the dr's discovered spine cancer.  She lasted a few months, with my mother in law being her primary care giver.  The Thanksgiving and Christmas of that year I worked extremely hard to make perfect memory inducing holidays - i knew she would not see another holiday season.  

2010 - The aunt had to be placed in a nursing home in the beginning of 2010.  By mothers day, she was gone.  During this time we moved mother in law (Janis) into our house in Memphis.  we sorted through all their stuff - gave a ton to Amanda (daughter) and assimilated the rest into our household.  That August Janis had open heart surgery to clear blockages to her heart.  She was not feeling well leading up to the surgery - and neither was my husband.  Scott was feeling progressively worse.  He started by going to the dermatologist because the skin on his hands was blistering and sores were easily made.  To make a long story short, my husband has Porphyria cutanea tarda (PCT)

  

So while Janis was in the hospital, Scott was undergoing some pretty intense tests.  The liver biopsy was the worst for him.  But we kept as much of the information away from Janis and Amanda.  Finally a clear diagnosis came......Hepatitis C.  WTF....Hepatitis C?!?!  Where did that come from?  Apparently you can contract Hep C from dentists, tattoos, surgeries....not just IV drug use or unprotected sex.  So here we are - my husband who is in remission from Lymphoma now has Hep C and PCT.  The treatment course for Hep C is a cocktail of pretty nasty, intense drugs.  It is basically chemotherapy that he took every single day for 9 months.  This 9 months was miserable for him.  he felt crappy 90% of the time.  Janis made it through her surgery and we tried to have the holidays 2010 style.  

2011 - Scott was nearing the end of treatment (Sept 2011) but Janis was still not well.  The 2010 surgery fixed the pathway to her heart, but she still had blockage in her arteries in the abdomen.  Janis made the decision to have a abdominal bypass in Oct 2011. As things usually happen, I was out of town for work the day she went into the hospital.  I also had major pains in my back - WTF.....back pain?  That was new for me.  Janis was not having an easy time coming out of sedation and off the ventilator, so my husband suggested that I get home as quickly as possible.  I drove like a bat outta hell from Atlanta to Memphis.  Janis was off the vent by the time I got there and things were looking up.  My back was still killing me.  I finally was able to go to the Dr - after many tests it was discovered that I had 3 broken vertebrae in my back.  Yes, 3.  I was put in a back brace and told to rest as much as possible.  But Janis was still in the hospital and NOT DOING WELL.  My husband was a wreck, my step daughter was a wreck, I was a broken wreck.  Scott was still taking this bad ass medicine, but spending 90% of his time sitting at the hospital and the other 10% he was worried about me.  This was a very difficult time for us, VERY.  November 11, 2011 Janis died.  She just could not recover from the surgery.  There were moves out of ICU, moves to ICU - then we made the decision to move to Hospice.  When Janis died - it created wounds in Scott, Amanda, and myself.  We were all very very very sad.  But husband was still on the bad ass medicine, my back was healing, and Amanda was trying to buy a house.  Life was moving on....not gently, but moving nonetheless.  September of 2011 was Scott last month of the bad ass medicine. My back healed (kinda), and Amanda bought her house.

2012 - Scott is no longer on the Hep C bad ass medicine and we are waiting to see if the disease has been cured, but his feet are failing him. He has a raging case of plantar fasciitis, bursitis, and extra bone growth on the back of his heel.  So, July of this year he ended up in a cast for 6 weeks.  Now we are actively seeking a 2nd opinion about the foot - hoping that surgery will alleviate the pain.  To top all of that off, my husband is depressed.  So depressed that I made him an appointment with a psychologist, that lead to a psychiatrist.  Now hubs is diagnosed with a learning disability and depression.  If that were not enough, he found one of his remaining lymph nodes swollen and hard.  This goes back to 2007 - when he found the original one.  We have an appointment with the oncologist tomorrow and most likely the tests will begin.  With each of the tests, the waiting will get harder and harder.  If this fucking cancer is back.......oh my.  We definitely need some good news.  Since 2007 our lives have been a series of bad and worse news.  I am so tired.  I am not sure that I have EVER felt so beaten down.  

If anyone ever reads this and feels like saying a prayer, sending peaceful energy, or just lighting a candle for us - I would humbly appreciate it.  

Furry Children

I am never more comfortable then I am with all my 'furry children' close enough to me to touch.  I am the mommy to 2 funny little chihuahuas and 2 kitties.  Because I am such a good mommy - here are pics of my babies -

Bob - Ragdoll Cat - 16 years old (yes, he is that old)

Bailey - Chihuahua/Feist Mix - 8 years old

Bearly - Chihuahua - 5 years old

Bella - 'Foster' kitten that could not leave - 2 years old 

 

Bearly and Bella playing in the yard - these critters are besties!

I also have 2 aquariums full of lovely fish and TONS of birds in my backyard.  In short I do not believe one can be truly happy without animals of all kinds around.  My house critters keep me company, follow me around, sleep with me, and are ALWAYS so happy to see me.  They pay attention to me - without fail.  

There are times when I want a kitten or a puppy - but I know that I am at the limit as far as what I can take care of.  I also think of the animals that have been a part of my soul and then left me and that pain is not describable - these pets still haunt my consciousness.  These memories help me not go "animal hoarder" crazy.  Even though I miss the baby phase of my critters.

I am Crafty, Hear me ROAR!

Here we go!  I have always been crafty at heart.  I ALWAYS have multiple projects in the air.  This was a way of life for me and anyone who knows me knows this to be true.

Enter the website 'Pintrest".  Holy crap why did I not think of this.  It is like fantasy football for girls.  I have gained many ideas from this site and I will give you a breakdown of the crafts....

1 - grapevine wreath covered in honey and birdseed.  This was the first one - and not only was I proud of the finished product, the birds in my yard were THRILLED.  The Carolina wren adores the wreath and I adore a Carolina wren - so it was a win/win. 

2 - Concrete step stones - This was a super fun project that included more laughter than creativity.  These stones are cute, but they are also several inches thick - meaning they are heavy as HELL.  The bag of concrete did not make as many as I thought - mainly because of the thickness.  I can say, however, that making them was a blast and I will proudly use these step stones in my gardens and giggle each time I see them. 

 

3 - Blueberry Yogurt Bread...This was not a good 'project'.  The bread itself probably tasted wonderful, but then adding that glaze...YUCK.  It was way too sweet and sour at the same time.  and it made a HUGE mess.  By mess I am talking a MESS - a big, sticky, gooey mess.  I think I spent more time cleaning up the mess than it took for the loaf to hit the garbage can.  This was my first Pintrest failure. The photo below is from Pintrest.....I did not photograph my monstrosity.

4 - The only good thing that came out of the Lemon Blueberry bread, was the leftover lemon zest.  So, what does one do with leftover lemon zest????  Why you mix it with sugar, olive oil, and lemon oil to make Hand Scrub.  Now this turned out great. I use it frequently.  The bread will not get made again, but the hand scrub may be in everyone's Yule gift basket ;-)

5 - Jewelry, Jewelry, Jewelry!  I have always made jewelry off and on.  But Pintrest woke up that monster again.  I began making more jewelry than I could wear.....hell more than Liberace could wear.  My friends would come to the house and 'shop' my dining room table.  I have given away more jewelry that I have now.  When I started I had no tools....now I have tools, jigs, and all of that good stuff.  I am 'like' a professional at this point.  (haha)  I dream about going to a craft fair to sell my wares - my husband thinks I could sell out.....I feel a bit torn.  I love my creations and cannot imagine a stranger buying them.  But I will work on that.  Here are a few of my creations....

There are other crafts that I am doing....but I will document them as they get finished!  I am sure decoupage will be a whole blog entry. ;-)

Morning Glories & Troublemakers

 I have a Witches' Spell-a-Day Almanac that provides spells or charms for each day.  I try to look at it every day and at least take in the words.  Today's entry was about protection and stopping troublemakers.  Wow.  That is both timely and powerful.  When I think of the troublemakers in my life this spell sounds both therapeutic and important.  Once my work day ends - I will light some incense and ground myself so I can embrace this.  I even have Morning Glory growing in my yard.

I really appreciate the line that gives the troublemaker the ability to break free by just being nice.  Niceness is always the right choice.  You never know what the other person is going through at that moment.  We all carry baggage with us.  When people are "ugly" to me - I try to turn my emotions to sympathy or empathy.  Lashing out at people is a release for some - I know I have snapped on complete strangers before and always feel both ashamed and guilty.  Whether or not the person deserved random anger is not the point.  The point should be how I (as a fellow human) handled my frustration and/or anger.

So, tonight when I am protecting myself from troublemakers of all kinds ~ I will also ask for the humility it takes to just BE NICE.

From my Witches' Spell-a-Day Almanac - 2012
Color of the day: Green
Incense of the day: Nutmeg

The gorgeous climbing morning glory is a protective flower.  Its foliage, blossoms, and vines can all be worked in protection and binding spells and charms.  As we have a waning Moon, let's conjure up a floral fascination-style binding spell.

Write the troublemaker's full name on a piece of paper.  If you can obtain their signature, or a photo of only that person, then ass that as well.  Wrap Morning Glory vines around the paper so it is all bound up.  Set the vine wrapped paper down and focus your intention on the problem while you say:

With this spell, bound hand

and foot you surely will be,

Unable to stir up any more

troubles for me.

You can break free from this spell, 

once you have learned your lesson,

Be kind to me from now on,

and all will be forgotten.

The Road to Moon Lake

Several years I started my spiritual growth journey in earnest.  The universe saw fit to put Kristy in my life - she is also on the same spiritual path.  I automatically had a "partner in crime".

Kristy and I read books, devoured websites, had lively discussions.  We felt we were ready to find others walking the same path.

This decision led us to a local temple that was touted as a Wiccan temple.  We hesitantly began reaching out to this group in hopes of inclusion.  This group seemed like a great place - we attended several rituals, workshops, and tried to cultivate friendships.  I even brought Tracy to a few events.  All the while, I knew there was something "off" about these people.  The high priestess is a "hot mess" to put it lightly.  She is unfriendly and gives off a definite superior vibe - without being able to back it up.  I was extremely uncomfortable around her and her husband (the High Priest).  I put up with these feelings because of my growing attachments to other people in the group - Cindy being the main one.  

I watched the High Priestess bicker with another "pagan leader" on Facebook.  I read her words, I understood her meaning.  I did not like any of it.  I was so very disappointed - here was irrefutable proof that this woman was NOT a leader, and was definitely not like anything I ever wanted to resemble - let alone follow.

Finally, these feelings of negative energy outweighed any positive and we (me, Kristy & Tracy) decided to bow out.  The saddest part is that I really thought more people would care - maybe even reach out to us.  While 2 people did, neither High Priest/ess did.  I gave up.  I worshiped solitary.  I did not feel I was learning all I could - but I was trying.

October 2011 - December 2012 was a very dark time for me.  Between my health issues, Scott's health issues, and Janis dying - I was a wreck.  Not much true worship occurred during this time.

Scott and I started 2012 trying to "be better".  We took 3 trips to Eureka Springs, AR.  We decided to try to move there.  I began coming out of my spiritual fog.  

Finally in July 2012 I started experiencing "pings" from the universe.  I needed to reach out to Cindy.  This nagging feeling finally got the best of me and I took a chance and posted a quick hello to Cindy on Facebook. She seemed happy to hear from me and we met that weekend for coffee. 

During our coffee talk I found out the "temple leaders" persecuted her and drove her out.  While I was so sad to know that these mean people hurt Cindy, I was also thrilled.  This meant that I could cultivate a friendship with her without fear.  Then she invited me to join her class.  She was teaching the beginner class - all on her own.  I WAS ECSTATIC.

I joined the class, and even though I came in "mid way" I was welcomed warmly by these wonderful women.  I was comfortable, relevant, and 100% present.

That was a little over 2 months ago.  I have gone to every event, every class and honestly feel like I belong with this group.  My spiritual growth has gone into warp speed.