3 Years.

July 29, 2008 - this is the day of my father's funeral.  You would think the day of his death (July 24) would be the date that hurts me most, but alas - my mother made July 29 live in infamy.

On July 24, 2008 Jane Hemphill (my mother) called me at 4am to tell me that my father was dying.  Since she was so invested in her power, I was not able to visit my dad during his brief illness.  Being the drama magnet that she is - she called me while he was taking his last breaths.  She allowed me to come to the hospital to be with him "for a few minutes".  I was not allowed any private time with him.  I said my goodbyes in front of my mother and sister.  I kissed his forehead, thanked him for being as good a father as he knew how to be and told him that I forgave him and had no anger towards him.  As I was holding his hand - fighting tears - my mother told me it was "time for me to go".  Really.  kindness has never been her strong suit.  As I left the hospital, I lost it emotionally in the hall.  It really is over.  My dad was going to die and there was nothing I could do. 

I went home and waited for news.  SEVERAL hours later, one of my cousins showed up at my house with a bottle of red wine to tell me that my dad was dead.  No one called me.  I called my dad's mother and she did not know yet - no one called HIS MOTHER.  I was hurt in ways I still do not understand.  This was July 24th.

On July 25 - My aunt called me to let me know that I was not allowed to come to his wake.  Since the wake was held at my Aunt's house and my MOTHER specifically requested that I be excluded, there was really nothing I could do to affect that change.  I cried, I hurt, I was angry, bewildered - I cursed her god.

On July 26 - My aunt (see the pattern - my mother is a weak dictator) called me to let me know that my husband was not allowed to come to the funeral.  I would be allowed to attend the funeral, but was told to sit in the back of the church - not with the family.  Again - I cried, I hurt, I was angry, bewildered, and again I cursed her god.

On July 29 - My husband, daughter and I went to the funeral.  I took a deep breath and stepped into St. Mary's Episcopal church.  The three of us took our seat in the very back of the church - we showed up 10 mins before the service was to begin.  We were not seated more than two minutes when 3 men from my family came to us and told my husband to leave.  Not just "leave" - but saying OUT LOUD that we knew better and that my father did not want us at his funeral.  That my husband should "be a man" and "do the right thing".  My husband was actually threatened physically.  This is all in their "gods" house.  There were around 100 people in that church and we were being asked to leave.  I do not remember all that occurred, I do remember sobbing and begging to be allowed to stay.  I am usually a very strong person, but this had me sobbing in front of many people and that was humiliating to me.  My husband did not want to leave me and Amanda (daughter) alone, but he also wanted me to be present for my father's funeral, so he went to the car.  My dad's mother requested that Amanda and I sit with her - with the family - in the second row.  The music swelled and the procession of the family began.  My mother, sister, niece, and brother in law came walking up the aisle proceeding my dad coffin.  When my mother saw me - the anger and disgust was very evident on her face.  My grandmother squeezed my hand and whispered "ignore her".  That is the moment the break in my heart finally gave away.  Sobbing, I grabbed Amanda and we rushed out of the church.

No one called.  Tracy (cousin) was the only family member to reach out to me.  Days went by and my calls were not returned - I was excluded again. 

Aug 1, 2008 - My mother called and requested me, Scott, Tracy, and her husband Brian come to her house at 6pm.  Like idiots, we all showed up like good soldiers.  My aunt and uncle were there - my mother stood before us and read a PREPARED statement.  This statement was like so many before it - Holly is selfish, Scott is a monster, Tracy & Brain betrayed her by being our friend.  This statement went on and on - but the gist was "I don't want you in my family anymore".  She ended her reading with "Now you all leave my house and don't come back".  This is my mother saying these horrible things to me....and she just had to have an audience.  I was not permitted to voice a retort, nothing.  We were escorted out. 

This is the day that I became an orphan.  It hurt like hell then, and still hurts.  I imagine it will hurt for the rest of my life. 

All my life - I knew that christianity was not for me.  I could see serious flaws in the system.  Too much judgement.  Even through the Catholic schooling, I kept wondering where the peace was.  I always felt more spiritual outside - among plants and animals.  I could feel energy around me - consoling me - whispering words into my heart.  I am an empath.  I feel what is not said, I see what you may not want me to see - I understand the human condition.  This separated me from those around me - I was "weird".

This day - August 1, 2008 - is remembered as a pivotal day in my personal history.  I was interested in Wicca and nature based religion prior to this - but I woke up on Aug 2, 2008 knowing in my heart that I was not the sheep christian - but a pagan...a Wiccan....a woman.  I have given myself entirely to this path now and only look back to see how far I have come.  

I wish you enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all you posses.

I wish you enough "hellos" to get through the final "goodbyes".

I wish you just enough.

I am a Facebook junkie....I spend a great deal of time "playing" on Facebook.  Most of the information I see within the Facebook space is frivolous nonsense.  Once in a while, a status update will make me stop and feel.  The above prose was a status update from "The Daily Budda". 

I am a consumer.  I buy things, I dont always recycle, I still use plastic bottles because I am addicted to VitaminWater (dragonfuit!).  These actions alone were not enough to make me stop and think, but after reading "I wish you enough" I began examing my life and where I have MORE than enough.

I can buy less.  I can make more of an effort to recycle.  I can try to "upcycle" items before they make it to the garbage.  What I can't do is understand how to determine when you have enough. Apparently I am trying to make up for not having enough, by purchasing more stuff.  The stuff does not make me feel better for long - the good feeling stops when I realize that I still have a broken-ness inside me and no amount of "stuff" is going to fill it.

The things I dont have enough of are not things I can go buy.  Money is no use when you are searching for an understanding of your place in the world.  Money does not answer the question "why am I here?".  So, now that I understand that....what's next?

I am not going to go severe.  I will still go shopping.  I will still get my nails done.  I will still roam around antique shops to find treasures.  What I will do is switch to Snapple, because they are in glass bottles and can be recycled easily.  I will continue to look at the items I have around my house with a thought of "does someone else need this?" - if the answer is yes, then I will give it to them.  I will continue to be a good friend, wife, daughter in law, step mother. 

I believe the spritual journey I am on is much bigger than I originally thought.  Wicca is a nature based path.  Not only do I need to align myself with nature, but I need to be a steward for nature.  Nature, our world, needs protection and now that I have self-reflected enough to understand that it is my responsibility to make the small changes (internal and external) there is no reason for me not to follow my spirit.

Expect to see a lot less VitaminWater and a lot more tree hugging from me.

Peace and I wish you enough.

My Herb Garden

My new Herb garden -

This is the first year I have a dedicated space for Herbs, and what an overwhelming space! What herbs do I plant, what design do I use, what am I going to create in this blank space?

Here is my list thus far, along with their magical properties;

• Mint - Mint is placed in the home as a protective herb. It belongs to the sphere of Venus and has long been used in healing potions and mixtures. The fresh leaves rubbed against the head are said to relieve headaches. Mint worn at the wrist assures that you will not be ill. Its bright green leaves and crisp scent led to its use in money and prosperity spells. Fresh mint laid on the altar will call good spirits to be present and aid you in magic, especially healing spells. Added to incenses it cleanses the house or ritual area. Use for: Protection; Healing; Prosperity; Good Luck; Fortune; Justice; Travel; Exorcism.




• Spearmint - Used in magic for healing, love, and protection while sleeping.




• Solomon's Seal Root - Used for protection, exorcism and cleansing. Used to drive away evil/negative spirits.




• Pineapple Mint




• Pineapple Sage




• Oregano - Oregano planted around the house can ward off bad vibrations. In the kitchen, it is a must in tomato sauces! It also goes well with other foods such as eggs and cheese.




• Dill - Dill has protective properties but is also a great addition to salads, seafood, potato dishes, etc. It is a very tender herb and is considered an annual.




• Catnip - Aside from what it does to many cats, Catnip can be used in teas to help relax and soothe. Grow it near the home for luck. Use it to attract love.




• Aloe - Used for protection and luck. It can be hung in the home as a charm to attract luck and protection for those who live there. It can also be grown in pots and placed around the home to provide protection from accidents within the home.




• Echinacea - Used to add power to charms, spells and incenses. Can be used as an offering to spirits.




• Sweet Basil - It is used for exorcism, protection and love potions. Sprinkled around the house to ward off evil/negative spirits. There is an old saying, "Where Basil grows, no evil goes!" and "Where Basil is, no evil lives". A gift of basil given to someone moving into a new home will bring them good luck.




• Bee Balm




• Garlic Chives - Chives taste like mild onion and can be used in a wide variety of dishes. Mix minced chives with butter and garlic to toast on bread, in cream cheese, in eggs and many other dishes. Chives flowers dry well and the seeds can be collected in bags for planting.




• Rosemary - Rosemary is very powerful and has cleansing properties as well as protection. In the kitchen it is wonderful with many meats. Rosemary can also be used to flavor oils and vinegars.




• Catmint




• Snapdragon Flower - Used for protection, exorcism and purification




• Chrysanthemum - Protection. Grow in the garden for protection of the home. White is the best color of flower to do this, but any color will do.




• Citronella - Burn or use in charm to protect and cleanse the Aura, Use in charms and spells to encourage creativity and clear the mind. Also used to repel insects.




• Clover - Use in spells and charms to promote fidelity, money, love or success. Also used for protection. Used in the consecration of ritual tools. Place around the home to drive away negative spirits.




• Sweet Lavender - This sweet smelling flower can be dried and used in sachets. It helps induce sleep and relaxation.




• Morning Glory - Used for binding and/or banishing spells and rituals. Can be used to bring people or objects towards you. Use the vine to wrap around a poppet to bind someone. - Poisonous - don't eat!




• Thyme - Magically, thyme can be burned or worn to attract good health or put under the pillow to help with dreams. Culinary, thyme is a wonderful seasoning!




• Lemon Balm - Lemon balm may have sedative properties. In the kitchen, it is great for seasoning summer squash and in teas. It makes great satchels when dried.




• King Edward Yarrow - Used in magic and ritual for healing, hand-fasting and divination. Used in spells and charms to draw love. Used to banish negativity and promote peaceful relations, especially between married couples.

These are my grandmother's "everyday" plates. They were broken when I got them out of the attic and it broke my heart. Since I refused to let them just go to the garbage, I figured they would work well as a barrier for my mint. Seeing these plates makes me smile inside my heart. I have eaten MANY a meal from these plates - lovingly prepared by my grandparents. I think they bring the best, positive energy to my garden. Thanks Mom. (I called my grandmother Mom.)

Mothers, Gardening, and Life Lessons

Over the last several years I have gotten more and more into gardening. It makes me appreciate the ebb and flow of life. There is no rushing a seedling into a plant, and there is no rushing a plant to flower. You provide the plant what it needs to stay alive and it rewards you by growing and blooming...in its own time. The only way to do it wrong is to not provide the plant what it asks for. Pretty easy, huh?

The process gets me thinking. Mother Nature and the universe provide the human embryo what it needs to grow. The mother is a vessel for that miracle, but she is really a bystander in the process. The fates and nature will grow the embryo into a tiny human. When we are born, we are helpless, relying only on our mothers for nourishment, comforting, and warmth. Motherhood is a beautiful experience - I cannot imagine the unbridled joy of seeing your child for the first time. The white light of peace and contentment has to be visible. Seeing this with friends, family members, hell - even on TV - it seems that all is right with the world at that moment.

What I don't understand is the ability of a Mother to decide that the child they gave birth to, the child they nurtured, worried about, taught, laughed with is no longer their child. I can only use a few examples in my life to compare that relationship to. My step daughter, my pets, and my gardens. Never have I looked at any of those precious examples and thought...hmm...screw it. I can't turn the step daughter away anymore than I could not feed one of my pets or watch a plant whiter and die. Yet, I have a mother out in the world who does not believe that I should be her daughter. As much as that hurts me, it really calls attention to an emptiness in my life. I miss having a mother...I think. I am not entirely sure I ever had one, but the relationships I see with other mother/daughters make me wish I had one.

As I garden, I am reminded how much I have to give the world. I can grow FOOD, flowers, herbs. I even know what to plant with other plants...I have beautiful gardens. But I do not have a mother, sister, father.....I am a transplant volunteer - growing as big as possible, but no one can trace me back to a starting point.