July 29, 2008 - this is the day of my father's funeral. You would think the day of his death (July 24) would be the date that hurts me most, but alas - my mother made July 29 live in infamy.
On July 24, 2008 Jane Hemphill (my mother) called me at 4am to tell me that my father was dying. Since she was so invested in her power, I was not able to visit my dad during his brief illness. Being the drama magnet that she is - she called me while he was taking his last breaths. She allowed me to come to the hospital to be with him "for a few minutes". I was not allowed any private time with him. I said my goodbyes in front of my mother and sister. I kissed his forehead, thanked him for being as good a father as he knew how to be and told him that I forgave him and had no anger towards him. As I was holding his hand - fighting tears - my mother told me it was "time for me to go". Really. kindness has never been her strong suit. As I left the hospital, I lost it emotionally in the hall. It really is over. My dad was going to die and there was nothing I could do.
I went home and waited for news. SEVERAL hours later, one of my cousins showed up at my house with a bottle of red wine to tell me that my dad was dead. No one called me. I called my dad's mother and she did not know yet - no one called HIS MOTHER. I was hurt in ways I still do not understand. This was July 24th.
On July 25 - My aunt called me to let me know that I was not allowed to come to his wake. Since the wake was held at my Aunt's house and my MOTHER specifically requested that I be excluded, there was really nothing I could do to affect that change. I cried, I hurt, I was angry, bewildered - I cursed her god.
On July 26 - My aunt (see the pattern - my mother is a weak dictator) called me to let me know that my husband was not allowed to come to the funeral. I would be allowed to attend the funeral, but was told to sit in the back of the church - not with the family. Again - I cried, I hurt, I was angry, bewildered, and again I cursed her god.
On July 29 - My husband, daughter and I went to the funeral. I took a deep breath and stepped into St. Mary's Episcopal church. The three of us took our seat in the very back of the church - we showed up 10 mins before the service was to begin. We were not seated more than two minutes when 3 men from my family came to us and told my husband to leave. Not just "leave" - but saying OUT LOUD that we knew better and that my father did not want us at his funeral. That my husband should "be a man" and "do the right thing". My husband was actually threatened physically. This is all in their "gods" house. There were around 100 people in that church and we were being asked to leave. I do not remember all that occurred, I do remember sobbing and begging to be allowed to stay. I am usually a very strong person, but this had me sobbing in front of many people and that was humiliating to me. My husband did not want to leave me and Amanda (daughter) alone, but he also wanted me to be present for my father's funeral, so he went to the car. My dad's mother requested that Amanda and I sit with her - with the family - in the second row. The music swelled and the procession of the family began. My mother, sister, niece, and brother in law came walking up the aisle proceeding my dad coffin. When my mother saw me - the anger and disgust was very evident on her face. My grandmother squeezed my hand and whispered "ignore her". That is the moment the break in my heart finally gave away. Sobbing, I grabbed Amanda and we rushed out of the church.
No one called. Tracy (cousin) was the only family member to reach out to me. Days went by and my calls were not returned - I was excluded again.
Aug 1, 2008 - My mother called and requested me, Scott, Tracy, and her husband Brian come to her house at 6pm. Like idiots, we all showed up like good soldiers. My aunt and uncle were there - my mother stood before us and read a PREPARED statement. This statement was like so many before it - Holly is selfish, Scott is a monster, Tracy & Brain betrayed her by being our friend. This statement went on and on - but the gist was "I don't want you in my family anymore". She ended her reading with "Now you all leave my house and don't come back". This is my mother saying these horrible things to me....and she just had to have an audience. I was not permitted to voice a retort, nothing. We were escorted out.
This is the day that I became an orphan. It hurt like hell then, and still hurts. I imagine it will hurt for the rest of my life.
All my life - I knew that christianity was not for me. I could see serious flaws in the system. Too much judgement. Even through the Catholic schooling, I kept wondering where the peace was. I always felt more spiritual outside - among plants and animals. I could feel energy around me - consoling me - whispering words into my heart. I am an empath. I feel what is not said, I see what you may not want me to see - I understand the human condition. This separated me from those around me - I was "weird".
This day - August 1, 2008 - is remembered as a pivotal day in my personal history. I was interested in Wicca and nature based religion prior to this - but I woke up on Aug 2, 2008 knowing in my heart that I was not the sheep christian - but a pagan...a Wiccan....a woman. I have given myself entirely to this path now and only look back to see how far I have come.
